Darin Strauss's “Half A Life”

Darin Strauss’s Half A Life pinpoints indescribable truths and is an exceedingly brave memoir that takes readers on a deeply personal, urgent, and emotional journey to regard the most excruciating events in the author's post-accident life – a misjudged meeting with Celine’s parents, a multimillion-dollar lawsuit that lasted for years, and the overwhelming physical burden of his unexpressed guilt. Strauss's raw confessions are visibly human: He often finds himself lamenting as an act for others and he grasps an uncertain conjecture that Celine deliberately veered in front of his vehicle. Strauss explores reminiscence and remorse that ultimately leads to great insight: “All the things get done and you regret them and then you accept them because there is nothing else to do. Regret doesn't budge things; it seems crazy that the force of all that human want can't amend a moment, can't even stir a pebble” (Strauss 178).

While Strauss is found innocent of any offense from the start, that doesn't prevent his teachers, students, and outside contacts from shunning him. In a footnote, Strauss mentions of a girl he was supposed to take to prom, but who after hearing about the accident simply stated she couldn’t go with Strauss anymore. Through this rejection, Strauss points out human cruelty and humans’ fear of the unknown. Something as common as an accident should not cause others to look down on Strauss, and it should certainly not cause a female companion to become afraid of Strauss’s present reputation as “the boy who cruelly took Celine from everyone” and turn down a prom invitation. Likewise, this also does not impede Strauss from mirroring the emotions and actions that he senses is expected of him. He tries not to appear happy and is cautious of his actions, and this guilt troubles him from his twenties to his thirties: “When I was twenty-eight, my hair went gray and I had stomach surgery. I’d been grinding out my insides” (Strauss 133). By being shunned and disparaged by most people, Strauss is placed under so much stress for killing a classmate that the only thing he can do to alleviate that stress is to write in order to cope with the past and to take responsibility for his behaviors.

Strauss states that thousands of fatal accidents occur per year and portrays how anyone may do something embarrassing, reckless, and possibly inattentive. Yet, Strauss, feeling guilty, doesn’t understand why he is culpable for something he didn’t intentionally do. Strauss wants those around him to see him as a human and as a person that makes mistakes. He wants others to see that he has feelings too and that he should also be equally cared for and thought of. This is supported as Strauss demonstrates appreciation toward a teacher he barely knew and didn’t like but shared Strauss’s feelings: “Friends told me that, before the end of the assembly, a teacher stood from the crowd… ‘Along with the sadness,’ he said, taking the mic from the principal, ‘I know there’s a lot of anger here… But we should take a second to remember that Darin is a student in the North Shore community, too… I am sure we can agree he’s a good person’” (Strauss 41).

Furthermore, Strauss first met Celine’s parents when he attends Celine’s funeral, describing the initial meeting as: “In the long moment before he found words, and as he took my hand, Mr. Zilke settled on an expression, a hard-won glint of: I will be friendlier than you have any right to expect me to be” (Strauss 55). In this way, Strauss portrays to the readers of how Celine’s parents are emotionally traumatized and did not know how to react upon seeing the boy who killed their daughter. By giving the I-have-the-right-to-do-this or why-are-you-the-one who-is-still-alive look and practically forcing Strauss to live a life of two, to do things twice as well, Celine’s parents allow selfish emotions to take over rational thinking, and became condescending toward Strauss over an accidental accident. Strauss claims that this is quite a burden to attach to a teenager. Again, this refers to Strauss’s feel of unfairness as he is made culpable for something he didn’t deliberately do. This also refers to Strauss’s feel of the uselessness of the court-approved document stating Strauss is pardoned because he, no matter how sorry he is, still will forever be seen as guilty in the eyes of Celine’s parents, Celine’s relatives, and Celine’s friends.

Then a few days after the funeral, Strauss decides to pay his respects to Celine’s parents and visit their home. Although the visit is awkward, Mr. Zilke still offers Strauss a glass of ice tea and a coaster and said, bringing Strauss to the door, “No matter what, we would never blame you, Darin” (Strauss 74). At this moment, Strauss portrays Mr. Zilke to the readers as a forgiving person ready to move on, letting Strauss believe that everything would be okay. However, Strauss finishes the account of this meeting and the chapter with this sudden line: “Five months later, I learned that Celine’s parents were suing me for millions of dollars” (Strauss 74). By letting readers now view the Zilke unfavorably, Strauss switches back and forth between emotions on account of his mental inconclusiveness on how he should feel about the Zilke.

Strauss’s resentment and sullenness are palpable and it becomes apparent to the readers that Celine’s parents know some of Strauss’s feelings, his pain, and his emotional change from guilt to regret. Yet, Celine’s parents still sues him in hopes of earning millions of dollars. In this case, Strauss hints at human egocentricity since humans only want what’s best for them, disregarding whatever feelings others may have. Celine’s parents illustrate this as their sorrow and loss turns into bitterness and revenge. This also hints that they are avaricious and opportunistic, misguided by a manipulative attorney, and offended that Strauss’s insurance company presented a maximum of $20,000 as “go away” money to avoid the court trial. By suing Strauss, Celine’s parents want Strauss to fully understand the pain that they are suffering, and thus, this alludes to human egocentricity again as Celine’s parents did not even consider the future of Strauss and the guilt that Strauss is experiencing.

Although Strauss says he feels apologetic toward Celine’s parents, Strauss accuses them as much as they accuse him. Strauss views himself as the true victim and makes a point to tell the readers so: “Mrs. Zilke’s extracted promise felt immutable. Each equivocation and hedge, every dawdle, each dereliction and misdemeanor – all the human stuff of growing up – seemed to count against me on some celestial checklist. I’d later think of Celine at my wedding and when my wife told me that she was pregnant. Name an experience: it’s a good bet I thought of Celine while experiencing it” (Strauss 132). The Zilke made sure to keep Celine with Strauss forever, and Strauss makes the readers believe that the Zilke are doing it intentionally. The Zilke want Strauss to suffer and makes sure of it by reminding Strauss of Celine’s death at every possible moment.

At one point, Strauss questions: “How could I put words to the thick, gloomy thing that covered my mind – this nullity that even all these years later, when I call up that airport confession, makes it all play a little extra darkly in my brain’s theater” (Strauss 97-98). By dividing the novel in short non-chapters, Strauss implies that the answer is that it's hard. This is further supported as he compares his central nervous system with a vintage switchboard. After a surplus of emotional information, Strauss’s system, and hence switchboard, crashes and Strauss experiences shock. By leaving an incredible amount of space between each non-chapters, and sometimes even leaving a whole page blank, Strauss presents to the readers the grief and guilt that afflicts him throughout his memoir, which is both tactless and refined, at once simple and inexorably complex. Strauss offers the readers the most sincere story of his impossible thoughts by generating a poignant confessional that’s filled with pathos. Instead of using words, Strauss illustrates his shock through his deliberate arrangement of paragraphs and chapters and the spaces in between, hinting, again, at something so incredibly human through all of its blemishes.

But most notably, Darin Strauss’s Half A Life extends much further than its characterization, structure, and implementation; it allows the readers to remember how correlated lives can be. Readers who have experienced a related trauma will certainly find Strauss's unwavering integrity to be profoundly moving. Likewise, there is an equally imperative message to those readers who haven't endured sorrow and pain. Strauss’s Half A Life meekly illustrates how significant it is to look after one other as we try to understand ourselves.