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Casey and Jessica were waiting in the backseat of the Taurus. Both of them grinned mischievously at me when I
climbed into the passenger’s seat. “Someone’s dressing sexy,” Casey teased. “I gave you that shirt nine months
ago. Is this the first time you’ve worn it?”
“Um, yeah.”
“Well, it looks good on you,” she said. “Looks like I’m the Duff tonight. Thanks a lot, B.” She winked at me, and I
couldn’t help but smile. Casey had recently taken to using Duff as a word of her own, molding it into our casual
conversations. At first I’d found it kind of unsettling. I mean, the word was an insult. It was horrible. But after the
revelation I’d had that day in the bathroom with Vikki, I appreciated what Casey was doing. The word was ours
now, and as long as we held on to it, we could control the hurt it inflicted.
“It’s a messy job,” I teased. “But, hey, someone’s gotta do it. I promise to be the Duff next weekend.”
She laughed.
“Are you wearing a padded bra?” Jessica blurted out, apparently unaware of our conversation. “Your boobs look
bigger.”
There was a long moment of silence, and I suddenly realized that I would have been safer with my mother.
Casey burst into a fit of laughter as I buried my face in my hands, completely mortified. Toby didn’t show any
reaction. Thank God. If he had, I might have committed suicide right there in the car. Banged my head against the
window until my brain was flattened like a pancake. Instead of snickering or glancing at my chest to see if Jessica
was right, Toby acted like boobs hadn’t even been mentioned. He just stuck the key in the ignition and pulled out of
my driveway.
Note to self, I thought. Murder Jessica when there are no witnesses.
Though, in a weird way, Toby’s lack of reaction bugged me. Wesley would have made a joke. He would have
looked at my chest, of course, but then he would have said something. He would have made me laugh. He wouldn’t
have just ignored it like Toby.
God! Of all things, this should not have been something that bothered me.
“You know,” Casey said when she was finally able to stop laughing. “It was pretty cool of you guys to invite us
along.” She smiled at me, and I knew she was glad to be included. “But you realize this is totally going to ruin your
date, right?”
“How so?” Toby asked.
“Because we get to be your chaperones!” Jessica declared with way too much enthusiasm.
“Which makes it our job to put a stop to all forms of hanky-panky,” Casey added. “And we’ll enjoy doing it.”
“Yep.”
But Toby and I had no need to worry. The minute we got inside the Nest, my friends took off for the dance floor,
flipping their hair and shaking their butts in the usual fashion.
“It looks like they’re the ones who need to be chaperoned,” Toby chuckled as he led me to an empty booth.
“That’s usually my job,” I said.
“Do you think they can survive if you take a night off?”
“We’ll see.”
He smiled and touched my earring with his fingertips. “The band won’t start for half an hour,” he said, moving his
hand down my neck to rest on my shoulder. It didn’t do anything for me. But if Wesley had done this, trailed his fingers across my skin that way, I would have.
“Do you want me to get us some drinks before the bar gets too crowded?”
“Sure,” I said, choking back the thought of Wesley. “I’ll have a Cher—Diet Coke.”
“Okay,” he said. “I’ll be right back.” He kissed me on the cheek and left for the bar.
People were spilling through the doors of the club. There was always a bigger crowd on nights when a band
played. A few eighth-grade girls took the booth behind me, bragging loudly about how they’d pretended to be in
high school to get in. A junior and one of his friends sidled past me, a poorly concealed beer bottle hanging out of
his baggy jacket, and, for a split second, I caught a glimpse of the dark-haired freshman Jessica and I had
watched at the basketball game weeks ago. She walked through the door, hand in hand with a cute boy I didn’t
recognize. Even from my distance, I could see the smile on her face. She looked beautiful, and I knew one of her
preppy blond friends was being forced to fill in as the Duff in her absence. Then she and her date were gone,
swept away by the crowd, leaving me with an inexplicable smile on my lips.
I didn’t know what kind of band was supposed to be performing, but based on the number of kids with purple hair
and lip rings who were walking in, I figured I’d be hearing Emo music.
There went my smile.
Great. Whiny boys with guitars. So my style, right?
I was absentmindedly watching the flood of people when he appeared among the crowd. At first I didn’t even
notice. He was with Harrison Carlyle, talking casually as they pushed their way toward the bar. It was easy to track
his movement. He stood a few inches taller than everyone around him, he glanced around the crowd with more
confidence than the rest of our classmates, he walked through the swarms with more grace than any normal
teenager could manage, and my eyes followed him without my brain’s consent.
Halfway to the bar, Wesley turned his head in my direction. His dark eyes locked with mine for an instant. Shit. I
looked away, praying he hadn’t noticed me, even though I was sure he had.
“God,” I muttered, clenching my fist under the table. “It’s like he’s everywhere.”
“Who’s everywhere?” Toby asked, taking his seat across from me and sliding my glass along the smooth surface
of the table.
“No one.” I took a sip of the Diet Coke and tried not to make a face. The lack of sugar left a bad taste in my mouth.
I swallowed and asked, “What’s the name of the band that’s playing again?”
“Black Tears,” he answered.
Yep. That sounded like Emo shit to me.
“Cool.”
“I’ve never heard their music,” Toby admitted, running a hand over his bowl cut blond hair. “But people have told me
they’re good. Plus, they’re about the only band in Hamilton. It seems like everyone else who plays here is from Oak
Hill.”
“Uh-huh.”
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, conscious of Wesley’s eyes on me. The way they crept along my skin made me
insane, and I hoped that Toby wouldn’t notice me twitching. He’d probably think I was on crack or something.
“I finished Wuthering Heights,” I said, desperate to start a conversation that would get my thoughts off Wesley. It
took me a minute to realize this was definitely not the best subject for that task.
“Did you like it?” Toby asked.
“Well, it gave me a lot to think about.” I could have slapped myself. Wasn’t it that damn book that had me so
freaked out in the first place? Why did I have to bring it up? But it was too late to change the topic now. Toby had
jumped into a full-on book critique.
“I know. I’ve always wondered what made Emily Brontë choose to write such unpleasant characters. I mean,
throughout the whole book, I just thought that both Heathcliff and Linton were such bastards, and Cathy”
I swirled my straw in my drink, only half listening. Every time Toby said Heathcliff, my eyes automatically darted
over his shoulder to glance at Wesley. As always, he looked gorgeous, wearing jeans and a tight white T-shirt
beneath a slightly too large black jacket. He was sitting alone at the bar, stretched out and casually leaning back
with both elbows on the bar molding. Alone. Not a single girl clinging to him. Hell, even Harrison had disappeared.
Joe was the only person close enough to keep him company, and he seemed to be busy with a herd of thirsty Goth
kids.
Wesley’s eyes stayed fixed on me the entire time. From where I sat, it was hard to read their expression, but they
never wavered for a second. Yeah, it was unnerving, but I knew that I would’ve been disappointed, maybe even
hurt, if I’d found that he’d turned away. I actually caught myself checking every few minutes to see if he was still
watching me.
“Bianca?”
Startled, I focused on Toby again. “Hmm?”
“Are you all right?” he asked.
My fingers had been toying with the little B charm around my neck without my realizing it. Immediately I dropped my
hand to my side. “I’m fine.”
“Casey warned me that you’re probably lying when you say that,” he said.
I gritted my teeth and searched the dance floor for my so-called friend. She was being added to my hit list.
“And I think she’s right,” Toby sighed.
“What?”
“Bianca, I can see what’s going on.” He glanced over his shoulder at Wesley before turning back to me with a little
nod. “He’s been staring at you since he got here.”
“Has he?”
“I can see him in the mirrors over there. And you’ve been staring back,” Toby said. “It’s not just tonight either. I’ve
seen the way he looks at you during school. In the hallways. He likes you, doesn’t he?”
“I... I don’t know. I guess.” Oh God, this was uncomfortable. I just kept spinning my straw between my fingers and
watching the little waves that appeared on the surface of my drink. I couldn’t meet Toby’s gaze.
“I don’t have to guess,” he said. “It’s pretty obvious. And the way you look at him makes me think you’re in love with
him, too.”
“No!” I cried, releasing my straw and glaring up at Toby. “No, no, no. I am not in love with him, okay?”
Toby gave me a small smile and said, “But you do have feelings for him.”
I couldn’t see any sign of pain in his eyes, just a touch of amusement. That made it a lot easier to give him an
answer. “Um, yeah.”
“Then go to him.”
I rolled my eyes without meaning to. It was just so automatic. “Jesus, Toby,” I said, “that sounds like a line out of a
bad movie.”
Toby shrugged. “Maybe, but I’m serious, Bianca. If you feel that way about him, you should go over there.”
“But what about—?”
“Don’t worry about me,” he said. “If you want Wesley, that’s who you should be with right now. Dating me won’t
make your feelings for him go away. I should know. Definitely don’t worry about me, Bianca. The truth is, I’m in
the same situation as you. I just didn’t want to admit it.”
“How?”
Now Toby was the one staring at his drink, nervously adjusting his glasses. “I’m not over Nina.”
“Nina? Your ex?”
He nodded. “We broke up over a month ago, but I still think about her a lot. I really do like you, so I thought that if we
dated, maybe I’d forget about her. For a while I did, but”
“Well then, you should call her,” I said. “Instead of just sitting here pouting, you should call Nina and tell her how you
feel. Tonight.”
He brought his eyes back up to meet mine. “You’re not angry? You don’t feel used?”
“That would make me a huge hypocrite since I was kind of using you, too. Even though I really didn’t mean to.” I slid
out of the booth and paused to steady myself on the platform shoes. “And for the record, if Nina doesn’t take you
back, she’s a moron. I think you’re probably the sweetest, most polite guy I’ve ever met in my life, and I’ve had a
massive crush on you for years. I seriously wish you were the one for me.”
“Thanks,” Toby said. “And if Wesley breaks your heart, I promise to well, I would say I’d kick his ass, but we both
know that’s physically impossible.” He frowned down at his skinny arms. “So I’ll write him a strongly worded letter.”
“Okay,” I snorted. I leaned across the table and kissed Toby on the cheek. “And thank you.”
He gave me one more perfect smile, one I would remember for the rest of my life, and said, “You’re stalling. Hurry
up and go.”
“Right. Okay. See you in class, Toby.”
“Good-bye, Bianca.”
I took a long, deep breath to calm my nerves as I locked eyes with Wesley again. Then, with a weak smile pulling at
the corners of my mouth, I began to push my way through the crowded club, leaving behind the nicest guy in the
world. The familiar techno music had stopped playing, and everyone on the floor stood around waiting for the band
to go onstage. I had to zigzag between their stationary bodies, no one being considerate enough to step aside for
even a millisecond.
I spotted Casey in the crowd—her blond head towering over everyone but the boy beside her, the basketball player
she’d been eyeing for weeks—and I knew she wouldn’t like my decision. In her head, it was Wesley’s fault I’d
neglected her. She’d be upset with me. She might even get pissed. She’d think I was leaving her behind again. I
would just have to prove her wrong. Prove to her that Toby, whom she adored, wasn’t right for me.
When I was about three yards from the bar, a sound filled the speakers, but it wasn’t the Emo music I was
expecting. Instead, a screech of feedback assaulted my ears—and totally scared the shit out of me. I was so
startled that I jumped, which wouldn’t have been a big deal in any other shoes.
My foot landed on the side of my platform, throwing me completely off balance. Before I could recover, my ankle
gave way and sent me flying—face first, naturally—into the wooden floor. Fan-freaking-tastic!
I couldn’t help letting out a whimper as pain shot through my twisted ankle. “Fuck!” I groaned. “Ow, ow, ow! God, I
hate these damn shoes.”
“Then why did you wear them?”
My skin tingled as two hands lifted me by the elbows and guided me into a standing position. Realizing I wasn’t
stable on my feet, Wesley wrapped his arm around my waist and walked me over to a bar stool.
“Are you all right?” he asked, helping me onto the seat. I could tell by his smile that he was fighting the urge to
laugh.
“Yes,” I mumbled, letting myself smile a little. I didn’t really feel that embarrassed. Not with Wesley. Had it been
anyone else, I would have run—or hobbled—right out of the club, but with Wesley it felt okay. Like we could laugh
about it together.
But the smile faded and his face became serious. He stared at me for a long moment, and his silence was about
to drive me up the wall when he finally opened his mouth. “Bianca, I—”
“Bianca! Omigosh!” Jessica materialized at my side, her cheeks pink from excitement and exercise. Behind her,
the band had started playing (or attempting to play) an Emo version of a Johnny Cash song. It was sickening, but
Jessica managed to talk over the racket. “Oh, Bianca, I finally found you! Did you see? Harrison and I were
dancing together! I think he might ask me to prom. Wouldn’t that be great?”
“Good for you, Jessica.”
“I have to go tell Angela!” Then she spotted Wesley. A knowing smile spread across her face as she said, “See you
two later.” And with a whip of her blond ponytail, she was gone.
Wesley watched her vanish into the crowd with an amused expression. “She does know Harrison prefers men,
right?”
“Let her have hope,” I said, smiling to myself.
He turned his attention back to me. “Yes. Hope is good. Bianca, I—” He grinned wickedly. “I knew you’d give in
sooner or later.” He put his hand on my knee and ran it smoothly up my thigh. “You’re finally going to admit that you
love me, aren’t you?”
I swatted his hand away. “First of all,” I began, “I don’t love you. I love my family and maybe even Casey and
Jessica, but romantic love takes years upon years to develop. So I don’t love you. But I will admit, I’ve thought a lot
about you lately and I definitely have feelings for you feelings other than hatred for the most part. And maybe it’s
possible—in the future—that I could love you.” I hesitated, a little scared of the words that’d just left my mouth.
“But I still want to kill you most of the time.”
Wesley’s grin turned into a genuine smile. “God, I’ve missed you.” He leaned down to kiss me, but I held up my
hand to stop him. “What’s the matter?” he asked.
“You’re not getting into my pants tonight, asshole,” I said, remembering Vikki and the scare she’d gone through. I
wasn’t going to suddenly become a nun or anything, but after realizing how easily we might have swapped roles, I
knew a few things would have to change. “If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it right. We’re going to move
at the speed of a normal high school relationship.”
He reached forward and touched the little white B that lay right between my collarbones, twisting the charm that
Mom had given me between his thumb and forefinger, almost absentmindedly. “But neither of us is normal.”
“That’s true,” I acknowledged. “But this part of us will be normal. Look, I’m not saying we can’t build back up to that
point. We’ll just take it a little more slowly.”
Wesley thought about this for a moment before letting that crooked grin slide across his lips again. “Okay,” he said,
leaning forward a little to look me in the eyes. “That’s fine. There are other things we can do.” His fingers released
my necklace and moved across my collarbone, gliding down my arm and sending a shiver up my spine. “I have a
job to finish, I believe. We were interrupted last time—in your bedroom—but I could show you again. I look forward
to showing you.”
I took a deep breath, trying to ignore this statement and the burst of excitement it gave me. “You’re going to take
me on dates,” I continued, clearing my throat. “Nice dates. And you’re never ever going to call me Duffy again
either.”
Wesley’s smirk faded and he bit his lip. “Bianca,” he said quietly. I could barely hear him over the music. “I’m sorry.
I didn’t know how much it hurt you. I should never have called you the Duff in the first place. I didn’t know you then. I
didn’t—”
I shook my head. “Don’t bother making excuses,” I said. “Don’t waste your time because, the fact is, I am the Duff.
But so is everyone else in the world. We’re all fucking Duffs.”
“I’m not the Duff,” Wesley said confidently.
“That’s because you don’t have friends.”
“Oh. Right.”
“And,” I continued, “I’m probably going to be a bitch most of the time. I guarantee I’ll find a reason to yell at you
almost every day, and don’t be surprised if a few drinks get dumped on you from time to time. That’s just me, and
you’re going to have to deal with it. Because I’m not changing for you or anyone else. And I—”
Wesley slid off his bar stool and pressed his lips against mine before the words could get out. My heart pounded
as every thought vacated my mind. One of his arms encircled my waist, pulling me as close to him as possible,
and his free hand cupped my face, his thumb tracing my cheekbone. He kissed me so passionately I thought we
would catch on fire.
It wasn’t until after he pulled away, both of us in need of some air, that I could think straight again.
“You jerk!” I yelled, pushing him away from me. “Kissing me to make me shut up? God, you’re so obnoxious. I could
just throw something at you right now.”
Wesley hopped onto his bar stool with a big grin, and I suddenly remembered him telling me that I was sexy when I
was mad at him. Go figure. “Excuse me, Joe,” he called to the bartender. “I think Bianca wants a Cherry Coke.”
Despite my best efforts, I smiled. He wasn’t perfect, or even remotely close, for that matter, but, hey, neither was I.
We were both pretty fucked up. Somehow, though, that made everything more exciting. Yeah, it was sick and
twisted, but that’s reality, right? Escape is impossible, so why not embrace it?
Wesley took my hand and laced his fingers with mine. “You look beautiful tonight, Bianca.”
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